New Beginnings

How do you describe the very beginning of things? Some describe them precisely, like the start of Olympic sprints at t=0s. Sometimes they couldn’t even be defined like relationships that blossom - “they just happened.” When this New Year started, I was in Manila Bay, watching the fireworks spectacle that unfolded in the sky. I tried to capture the moments through video and photographs, but deep inside me I was filled with wonder and at the same time reflection of where in the future my past would take me, and how my future will uncover the past. I was caught in my dilemma that while I entered the New Year precisely at 12am on January 1, I straddled the past and the future as if they just happened. How then do I define the beginning of three new things?

First off, I have a high school friend that I’ve come to like more over the past few years. We exchanged emails, and over the years I started liking her more than just a friend. I told her this when I went back to the Philippines, making it clear that my gift giving, and words of affirmation are meant to go beyond the common bounds of friendship. She asked me, why and how I liked her, and as I tried to rack my brain for processes, lists and priorities, the most coherent answer I mustered up was that “God led me to you.” Imagine, I searched for partners here in America and I kept comparing them to her, 10,000 miles away. God must have done it. I told her I’ll be courting her, to get to know her more, if that was fine. She wanted to give it a try too, but given where we are both in our lives – she in medical school, I to go back to graduate school - I pray for much wisdom and passion. I actually used up my first calling card last night, indicating the beginning of something new in my life. It will be a lot of trial and error, but if it is truly God’s doing, we will see it through.

I also finished my applications to graduate schools. I am strongly lead to go back full-time to pursue my PhD degree starting September this year. I am excited by the prospect but also a bit daunted by the uncertainties. While medical school and law school have set curricula, PhD’s are completely student-driven. The best I can say is that I’ll wait for the acceptance letters first, then I’ll think about this new beginning again later.

Lastly, as I closed the past year, I also confirmed that I have moved on with my past. Moving out of the house gave me a better perspective because when I saw my dad’s new wife(?), half-brother and half-sister in the Philippines, I was completely fine. I can’t say that it’s the beginning of new things between us, because for all I know, I have forgiven much in the past already. Forgiveness is decided at a specific time, but also reoccurs in the future, depending how the past haunts it back. Therefore, it’s not a causal event; and it’s a beginning that’s quite hard to describe.

This quite sums it up. I would like to post another entry about my Philippines trip but there are still some entries from my Europe trip I have to post. I’m quite behind.